natalia

escarlinact @ 2007-01-23T22:11:00

2007-01-24T04:11:40Z

I have best friends, LJ. And ones that make me feel like depending on an internet journal to let things go (mainly) is just plain unecessary anymore.

Thankyouanywaybye.

escarlinact @ 2007-01-22T00:38:00

2007-01-22T06:38:56Z

It's the third time in the day he lights up a cigarette and craves for his air. We all have been expecting for a moderator to send us whether back to Worldgames or straight down to the movie theater since late in the morning, and now the afternoon's about to die, it's reasonable I impose the term 'day' to measure our litany.

Pretty Boy now plays with the natural blush of Arienne, and teases her heart too meticulously, but it's too early for me to know this. I feel my throat dehydrating of breathing; of breathing his air. I imagine some water, some liquid heaven draining down my body whenever I'm left to breath from his burning skin, his body smoke.

And I wish I weren't that sensitively inflammable when we finally decide we're going inside the movie theater. Besides it's a movie that I have already watched, Pretty Boy attempts to hold my breath down to the flimsy level of his. Because, besides we're not exactly alone, Pretty Boy is an urban illusionist; he's a quiet observant and I'm a loud, circus beard weirdo; he's a word from the likely underground streets that lands and it's like he talks (and spits rain as well) to me when I precisely am feebler than sugar cubes.

Jean-Charles, in the other hand, highlights our 'chemistry' like my 'crush' feeling isn't only a crush and Arienne (she) enlarges our path a little bit further to where I want to get at this point. Or to something I'm, at least, afraid of to this day. I wish I would have had a clean, blank world around us, instead of the second most concurred mall in our entire country to ask at her ('to yell' sounds less polite, but it was my initial aim) if I ever did look desperate to get laid. A little bit of calm and freedom.

"What are you afraid of?"

I don't even remember from where such supposition -more like a presentiment- came. I ask Pretty Boy to repeat the question for the one my 'I'm afraid' response belongs to. He offers me no answer but he crushes his lips with mine like he's giving out everything he's got for sale. I find a soft taste of dirt and, approximately, four invisible eruptions of caution, all when proving his Pretty Mouth with my own (my fucking own). Because everyone was still there and I see myself freed and not wrapped inside the blank paragraphs of everyone else watching the movie.

But, I admit I am attracted to an exception for the sake of something different and new -yes, mostly, that- for once.

"You guys are already- it's not like dating because that wouldn't involve us around, but- I mean, since he did that already, to me you-"

I scream. I really want Arienne to stop all her pre-concluded hypothesis. But suddenly, the only rainbow proof I see in the air is how Pretty Boy has smoked all my good old, possible ways of forgetting my past. And when I turn around, I already see everyone being erased from the surface of our tridimensional parkway.

I'll explode if it whether lasts or dies.

escarlinact @ 2007-01-09T22:49:00

2007-01-10T05:02:24Z

When I grow up and if I ever decide to become a mother, I won't commit the same mistakes as she's making.

No, she doesn't hit me without a reason, she kisses me good morning and good-bye, she has made me feel proud of myself and gave me tips of 'how to take care of your self-esteem'. But she doesn't try to get why I did this or that, she does nothing when I'm pleading her for a hug and that's obviously because she finds me uninteresting.
So the fact that I'm a person (fuck the word 'daughter'. That's stereotypical in its own way) that is honestly good and in growth; all of it is just indifferent to her.

She only wants me to look nice and productive superficially: neat ponytails and bright teeth (for the everyone else's) that just make me pity myself even worse.

She's so goddamn neutral it's making me sick.

escarlinact @ 2007-01-01T18:19:00

2007-01-01T23:29:53Z

New Years Eve sucked. It was 2 am and everyone was freaking asleep, or dead, or I really don't know. I wanted to go to see that bomb or whatever it is down the Times Square (or whatever it does) instead of boring my ass and guts off in Maryland.

To be honest, 2007 IS WHERE IT'S AT. Props to Led Zeppelin! :]

- Mainly, get to know what I really want to do/be.
- Reconciliation with mommy.
- Live or die.
- Tennis (I'm not a failure, I'm not a failure, I'm not a failure...)

But yeah, 2006 was pretty good too.

escarlinact @ 2006-12-24T14:54:00

2006-12-24T20:54:55Z

Another screwed up lifetime because of... I don't even know what caused this. Jealousy, intolerance, hypocrisy; all at their best. And now it's done forever after so many months that we all spent lying to each other it was starting... It was dying again...

Friends are not forever, are they? They're not friends, then. How do you call that people that you will just think they'll stick up forever and together but something as stupid as dishonesty destroys it? They can't be called, even, ex-friends...

Anyway.
Happy Holidays to all of youuu.

Is it Hanukkah or Christmas, try to be the happiest you can. <3

escarlinact @ 2006-12-14T01:00:00

2006-12-14T07:00:02Z

UM, IT'S TURNED IN LIKE, A DEFINITE STATEMENT.

If I am ever going to move out of here to NYC or wherever else I want to go/visit, it will be only and solely because of the education OR that I really marry Patrick Stump (who knows, sthu).

Not another reason shall possibly take me out of here. Just, no.

These past few weeks I've experimented and really felt what is like to be salvadorean and, even as hard as it can seem, it's my country and I love it. This is where my heart will ever rest and the fact that there are better chances of getting a good life outside this line, I'm not leaving. When I grow up, I have it almost totally decided, I'll become a doctor and help people that deserve gratuitous health service here for the ones that need it the most. No, I really don't care if I ever get paid, that will make them happy and it's, after all, fair, because they have no money at all. And it's all about them.

It's my people.

Oh, and the other, very seconding reason is: THERE ARE NO SKA/PUNK/WHATEVER YOU LIKE TO JUMP AT SHOWS LIKE THERE ARE IN HERE. Seeeriously.

It seems fun so, GOOGLE IMAGES!

A place in your hometown:

:]] <33

A pair of your shoes:

the only ones, actlly.

Something with your name on it:

What you last ate:

How cuuute. I miss them...

Someone famous you've met:

OMG YES TODAYYY! OMGOMG THEY ARE SOOO AMAZING. And we didn't want to meet REDD >:D even if they brushed my shoulders way too many times...

Somewhere you'd like to go:

Obviously. East coast owns but nothing is proved until I experiment the other side...

Your favorite animal:

Not exactly. I want one less ghey...

Your favorite celebrity:

BECAUSE. And everyone knows this...

Vehicle you or someone in your family owns:

A favorite place of yours:

IT'S BIG BECAUSE IT DESERVES THE PLACE MORE THAN ANYTHING. It's like my heaven. ABSOLUTELY.

Last thing you bought:

~~Ten~~Three things you can see right now:

Too big DD:<

My neck and feet will be suuuch a fucking pain tomorrow... Again.

escarlinact @ 2006-12-10T00:40:00

2006-12-10T06:33:24Z

I don't even know how to start this. I really thought we were over with all this exhibitionist racism already. Around 50 years aprés?
Well, I am a latin girl but I have nothing against them. All of them are American, white skinned, finely employed- you know, we're different in almost every superficial way, but I won't say I hate them because that would just make me a disgusting racist back. And I actually think that 'hate' is a way too strong word for this.

Because, the newspaper said, they were just doing it peacefully, walking around, with their KKK costumes and everything, expressing themselves, because we all have that right, no? Unless it hurts the dignity of another one. But fuck laws so far...

It's turned into something about morals, you know? About 'this are not the 50's anymore'. And I feel like I've been fucking slapped because, you know, this thing they're calling 'latin invasion' is just (my) people that are searching for a better opportunity to survive. Most of the cases are, in fact, of the majority of latins immigrating for a servitude that, weirdly, will pay more than an extremely scant possibility of job in here.

And we don't have enough employment because we don't have good education. And we don't have good education because we don't have money. And we don't have money because the USA/Socialist & Marxist Russia/Vaticano/China Wok/etc, for the past century, plus ou moins, that country has tried to dominate us through treacherous, made-up governments that had made us waste lives and all our patria, fighting for freedom. Fucking freedom and fucking life.

Only if you weren't informed of it.

And yes, that's all old history, but right now, you, me, we are facing the consequences. Yea, 'invasion' (pfft.), whatever that floats your boat, but I think we're gonna humbly, mildly get it back.

Tell me if I'm wrong somewhere, but I will discuss it for my own, freedom of speech.

escarlinact @ 2006-12-09T13:30:00

2006-12-09T07:30:22Z

I'm supposed to be sleeping, but... I can sleep ~~tomorrow~~today's afternoon. Fuck you, French.

Why does everyone move on in such a weird way? Can somebody explain to me why cool, fresh kids from seventh grade that didn't give a shit for what superficial (there is a better word, I know, but I'm in such a rage...) people in general said about them? Aren't people supposed to grow the other way?

I mean, shouldn't they be telling everyone now to fuck off because they don't care what they think of them? They don't care if they have only a few friends? OR AM I SORTA GROWING IN FUCKING REVERSE?!

Seriously, how fucked up is people. Society. French. Everyone (in general). I'm not someone in general, seemingly, just so this record is established clear.

Because I miss her, I miss how we used to be the most amazing friends ever, I miss how I could trust her everything, I miss every fucking little detail about her and I. It was all so perfect until malice tackled her down and her sister took her fresh, pretty self away from me.
And I prejudged her for that, because she's still so amazing, so we broke each other simultaneously, and now it's all so incoherent and fucking uncomfortable because I know I do love her still, like always, like I have always tried to hide it but I just can't, because it hurts to act hypocritically ignorant of her presence now but if we talk, it's all so weird and... I don't know why I'm still here.

I miss her. A lot. Maybe I've been contaminated too much. And maybe she's contaminating everyone too much.
AND I WILL NEVER KNOW.

sixteen candles.

2006-12-07T06:08:09Z

MY BIRTHDAY IS NO FUN AT ALL >:0

Let's celebrate Pearl Harbor or Larry Bird or something else, uhh...

first show ever tale.

2006-12-03T10:00:52Z

So it was like my most awesome night ever.

The sweat, the bodies, the rough pogo dancing, the harsh head banging, the thick blanket of deep gray smoke over everyone, the grass, the sleep, GODWANA, the hilarious couple of my cousin, my friends, SKA && REGGAE, the coke, the beer showers, falling down, smiling, everyone is your fucking friend, the water showers too, the local cosmo people, the pictures, LOS RABANES... Everything.

But, oh, how I fucking love mosh.

I just discovered my indifferent respect towards smokers, drinkers and druggies in general. You know, I just pity them. Majority believe in its power of relief and relax, but they're just making everything worse (at least for their organism). But it's okay, I have no problem with them, it's just the smoke what was bothering me.

But it was okay, really. But when I see my friend, Adriana, light a cigarette when she's only 15 years old and when I ask her why is she doing that and she just makes me a face towards his even younger brother (my ex, btw) who's drinking and smoking at once...

"You know, if you want to be into this kind of people, you're gonna have to smoke, drink, do crazy stuff, etc etc..."

Was she telling me she was just starting? She really disappointed me last night. She's not what I thought and what she said she was, she's just another fish in the Mar Negro. She doesn't need it and she's smart enough to know it but it's just that everyone she identifies with does it. AND SO WHAT?

My friends kept on doing their illegal stuff as I stuck up for them in the THREE hour late line. A boy who was with our gang and I didn't quite know came over and said 'hi'. I was really impatient because every fifteen minutes, one person in the line would enter to the show place and when he just appeared, everything felt so okay. He was sweet and tolerable and cheery and... He was absolutely smooth with me. He always held the conversation and started talking and I didn't feel intimidated! And everything maybe was so suave that he told me "I bet you're a really calm girl, not as Adriana describes you so".

But he was just about to see me fighting and ddancing and jumping and falling down and making people fall down and shouting and everythinging in the mosh. He was there too, by the way, doing exactly the same I was doing.

So when I had to leave and said goodbye to him, he didn't even look at me. He heard me and turned his gaze away from me. And so I left.

To this minute, I still don't know what the hell did I do wrong.

BUT YEAH, OH MY LORDY JESUS.

HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE MOSH.

0BOII!

2006-11-25T05:33:12Z

My mouth and chapped lips hurt so much even if it's been hours since I should have stopped laughing. But anyway, I stopped laughing about THIS long ago:

"Heyy, so, you're into books, huh."

"Yeah, I like."

"Ohh, you must be very smart, then! Do you know about Shakespeare, as well? (tries to sound intellectual)"

"Umm, uh-huh-"

"Like, you know, I've read all that romantic stuff of his and I actually liked that Hamlet and Juliet so famous book he wrote..."

Well, to this point, is where I'm seriously trying to politely resume myself into a discreet: "Romeo and Juliet, Carlos" but it was just too much. I think my half-forced smile towards him made him understand he wasn't doing well with that 'impress me so I'll tell you you're gorgeous' attitude. "

There's something really weird about me and boys. You know, getting along together; I'm not very easygoing with them as I am with girls. I get intimidated and when I get the opportunity to talk with one, it is either a pretentious jackass or a boy who's only talking to me because I have cute friends. Or I just can't talk to them! DD:

And even if that's only when I pretend I have guy friends, my self-proclaimed 'boyfriend' candidates result to be all younger than me. HAHAHAHHA.

Only that boy I met at the beach who was older and taller than me but, hahahha, he's the boy that thinks Hamlet poisoned himself for a 'dead' Juliet's sake.

I need water. And Christmas is so soon...

escarlinact @ 2006-11-24T00:18:00

2006-11-24T06:18:08Z

Americans, dears, Happy Thanksgiving... Night. Whatever. But before I start:

1- Good Riddance - Green Day: I think it is because it reminds me of the best time of my life ever of the evers. It just fit so well inside the entire 'life' thing. It compelled me to understand mine. There are going and have been so many changes that I have and am going to have to face. Inevitable like breathing.

2- Speeding Cars - Imogen Heap: This song basically pushes my 'pause' button. It helps me rethink everything. Back then I was practically buried by everything over me and it made me notice all that 'everything' that maybe sometimes I overvalue when it's basically nothing. Drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back. My rehab song, yeah.

3- Jesus Es Verbo, No Sustantivo: Yeah, you should learn spanish for this one. Such a great song that it even scares me. And it's not funny. You would fix over the lyrics and make fun at how ironic is the idea of a religion treated like a cult separated from something so crucial as a pure society. I said pure; I specified. And how Jesus is just another name in the sand of fanatism, or blasphemy, maybe.

4- Negrito Sandia - Cri-Cri: Ahh, old song. I'm a nostalgic hoe, thx. And this is just like my childhood. I am impressed how innocently true this song describes me as a little kid. Maybe listening to it back then made me that way. That way everyone who used to love me now hates so much. Btw, I thank God for keeping my strong side of unbelievable ability to be good at school since that's the only way to keep me with their hearts. Oh, that was soo emotional.

5- Where Did I Go Right? - Hilary Duff: Last but not least (probs). This song made me actually feel inside somewhere I never thought I could fit in. A boy's heart. Hahaha, stfu, I was young. Duh, it's not happening yet but now I barely care. So, I really thought that, the way I was, well, he liked me truly for it. Every other boy had just to take out as one of my outstanding defects that I wasn't like the other girls: girly, prudent, caring, etc etc. Lalala. It made me feel proud of myself. And it cheered me up forever, with or without him. Because he sucks :D gagz.

So, I like doing stuff like those.

But, anyway, I have just figured out how much I am going to need thick clothing in general for the holidays. I'm going to New York as soon as Christmas is done and, yeah, here it is like 13 degrees Celsius cold and all of us feel in the edge of becoming ice.
Yes, I mean, ~~lend me some coats when I get there~~send me flowers on my funeral day 'cause I'm this far from being absolutely sure my death will be charged in coldness' hands. Hahaha. Gahh.

OH OH ANDDD. I AM (PROBABLY HAHA) GOING TO MY FIRST REAL SHOW EVERRR. Ahhh. You know, nudists and gay singers who think Mexican women are 00glee because they're not european's shows just aren't shows. This one will be Los Rabanes/Gondwana. I don't like reggae but wtff.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY THE PROBLEM. My mother thinks there'll be rapists and organ robbers but pff, it's just what, weed? Hello, week of slavery so I can go D:

goh dah arrs rayh

2006-11-20T21:48:14Z

Dear Natalia,

STOP FREAKING TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE ALWAYS A HAPPY, CHEERY PERSON.

Because, um, I'm tired of being always in the middle of everything. I really wish I could be the best on something.

I try everything. I get complimented. Then someone incredibly devastating comes and breaks my forte, my wood (apparently strong enough) frame. Maybe I don't feel that fanatism or devotion or whatever you call it (I can't remember its english translation) when you put fully yourself on something you're going to do.

And then I say: Uhh, you should maybe try to be humble and admit you're not the best at it. Whyyy? I've gotten sooo goddamn into being good at things and keep on trying on having my own style for it but it's never enough so I am satisfied. Or maybeee... YES, THEM.

My parents ALWAYS want the best of ME. I always give them the BEST of ME. But that's not exactly the BEST from EVERYONE ELSE'S BEST.

And that makes me feel bad with MYSELF, not with them. I get so confident, I get so scared, I get so... disappointed.
This shouldn't be this way, no? Okay, from now on, we promise each other we'll do our best at everything and stop complainting about how everyone else wants MORE.

You'll tell them the right way of fucking someone else.

Thanks, you.

y hacer siluetas de amor bajo la luna

2006-11-05T07:45:12Z

Um, I actually feel like a lifeless, selfishly insignificant bitch when ranting because it always pisses of someone. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.

AM I REALLY TURNING THAT "FAT" ENOUGH SO I GET DEPRIVED FROM EATING ~~WHAT I WANT~~ SUFFICIENTLY?!

Jesus.
Really, if you find some kind of monstrous amount of meat all around my waist or some, yeah, excess weight, like my mummy calls it, CALL ME (1 800 ob 3s3) before she turns me in her daughter idol: Lindsay Lohan.

HOLY FUCK I AM ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD, MAAN. I'm a kid in process of growing up! I am not (correction; any human) is made to be forced into wicked, anorexic-aiming food regimes just because of aesthetic reasons! It's totally unfair. My mom has such a twisted vision of what is beautiful.
And it's not like I don't know eating - excercise is unhealthy! That's why I told myself I was going to take some tennis vacation thing for now and I'M DOING IT but, hell, she doesn't seems to be satisfied with who I am; yeah, I have not big boobs and probably I'm a little wide on the hips side but FCK NOBODY'S PERFECT unless you are fucking trained to look, yeah, the way 'PERFECT' is portraited in the asshole TV or magazines.

There are rare times that she ever compliments me for something I have said, my grades, anything that even makes me and my darling father proud of myself and doesn't involve the conventionalism of being 'thin'.

"Your legs are so pretty! You should totally show them off now you're young and can do it!"
"When you grow up and be an old, fat ball of meat like your mom, you'll regret not hearing me!"
"GOSH. LIKE, SUCK THAT TUMMY UP, IT LOOKS GROSS."

Her point? "Society won't accept me if I don't have a fucking decent personal presentation".
Fuck me.

aleluya.

2006-10-26T16:53:00Z

How pretty are sunny days of waking up at eight am and finding out you have nothing else in your agenda than doing whatever your heart tells you to do.
Very very pretty, actually.

So pretty and sacred that I'm afraid of living and ruining them.

- finish Miau
- learn how to play the piano... again
- bass lessons [X]
- jobbb [X]
- tennis/dance lessons [X]
- SUB-17!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH. =DD
- tea time [haha] with SUB-17 <333
- read something of Kobe Abe or Peter Abrahams... or classics Fortunata y Jacinta oror El Principe
- wash the dishes...
- pray
- PAINTBALL
- see people
- NY DIC26-JAN6. be ready
- birffdays
- get younger

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M A SENIOR NOW.

timekillah

2006-10-20T01:33:18Z

1) List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will.
2) Don't say who they're about.
3) Disable comments.
4) Never discuss it again.

1. I hate it when you compliment me and try to hug me and cuddle me so I can feel 'loved'. Now, I hate it when you cut off your phrases and resume yourself to a man that just cares superficially about his daughter.

2. Drama is stuck to you like my nails to my fingers. You are drama itself. And it's not getting any good.

3. Things are better if I stay? Are they really? I'm so confused because I love you and I want to pick out the best for you. If I do stay, you can get confused and mess you up and fix nothing. If I keep myself apart, you'll fall. I am so scared. I thought you were strong enough, you showed me a brother stronger than me and... I love you, but I simply don't know what to do.

4. Don't die. Please, don't you ever die. If I give you back those precious three dollars, will you have to work less and live more for a living?

5. I don't know who you are, anymore. I don't know you, I don't recognize you. You're such a stranger to me now I've became a hypocrite because of you. You're not complicated, you don't want everyone's attention, you only want to suffice yourself. Couldn't you have been a little bit more selfish with someone else instead of HER?

6. I think I'm not over you. So many good times and I just can't erase them; all my resources are thirsty and dead. There's simply no reason to not go back those laughs and food smacks but I can still feel the wall in between. I'd like to know who can destroy it, even if I know I were the one who built it. Can I then?

7. I think I'm finally over you. Thank God. Now give me back my tears, pridekiller.

8. WHY CAN'T YOU STICK TO MY OWN WORDS, AH? I LOVE YOU. I LOOOVE YOUUU, OKAY? You know, I never write for a shit or shit. If I write it's for something and something that's inside me that is also, finally, something not that miserable.

9. I think I want to meet you and give you a hug so then you can ask me out and ask me if I can be your girlfriend. I really think I want that.

10. I want you to be dead as soon as possible but, you know, you guys exist for a reason and the only one I find quite formal is that you're there to set us an example of how not to be.

I love my new mehair.

what the world hides to shame and honours.

2006-10-16T08:25:56Z

I never ever thought one night could become such a fucking dismay to my heart.

More than three, but it's been worth the time like heaven. To my legs and hands; not because of the work but what he is.

He is so fucking perfect.

I wish all camouflages gone. Then everyone will not appear as something they're not, all their feelings inside out. Because we all are hiding the fucking same. We suffer because we have our loveless parents away and glad they are away but it hurts, we have this permanent heartbreak when you first flew over the sky and it was so fucking perfect [like then was the fucking fall], we'll never lose our party buddies but we're gonna lose our friends forever and also because we are making each other so miserable.

I know God is here. I know he's telling me what to do, no matter if my little bro is really drunk or not, I have to do something for him. But I'm not listening. I only listen to others' tragedies and what? Were I helpful? Were I a small part of that sunrise watching over them tomorrow's morning?

I'm just as miserable. The miserable that can't do anything for their beloved miserables.

'Cry because you're loving me' he says 'Don't ever stop loving daddy because of this'... 'ask everyone who knows me who is the fucking light of my life; they all will answer Natalia without a doubt'... 'Cry and laugh, baby. Because I'm crying and laughing too and I love you more than the fucking world. God knows it the best'.

God. You make the beautiful suffer so hard and horrible that, when the others try to help them, it's just impossible.

I simply never fucking loved and appreciated him as much as I do now and for the rest of my days. The light and love that has been feeding me up since a baby that I forgot to thank.

day ooone.

2006-10-06T00:23:33Z

this is day one! or post one. who cares. i'll soon get started with this. typing thoughts and stuff seems fun so far.